Even when it hurts like hell

I keep saying this, but I don’t think that I can say it enough, we’ve truly been blessed to have the kind of pregnancy that we have. I know it could have been so different, and have witnessed the difficult pregnancies of some of the people around me, so I’ve seen just how difficult our own journey could have been.

Everything was going great until about 2 weeks ago – I became an emotional wreck. Honestly, I have never been through a more difficult season emotionally as I have these passed few weeks. The truth is, I miss my parents so much during this time, and I just haven’t been able to deal with it. The memory of them used to sting, but during this last trimester I’ve felt like a meteor had hit my heart and taken me out – and the recovery has been near impossible.

I had been keeping myself together until the other night, I confided in my husband and just let go of everything that I’d been holding on to. I’d become so used to keeping myself together and not “burdening” anyone else with my heart issues, that, to an extent, I had shut him out, and not shared what I was truly experiencing. I was on this horrendous rollercoaster alone, it was lonely, and it was excruciating.

32 weeks pregnant! Vest: Mr P. Skirt: Gifted. Bag: Spree (old). Converse All Stars: Sportsmen. Choker: Rogero Style.

My husband cried with me, encouraged me and held me close to his heart as I wept about something that I couldn’t even put into words. After that, he prayed for me, when I couldn’t pray for myself. The next morning, I was reflecting on how he incredibly supportive Darren had been the night before, and a strange question hit me: if he wasn’t rooted in God’s Word, and His love, how on earth were either of us going to get through this?

The weight of the decision that I made almost 4 years ago when we said “I do” suddenly dawned on me – your choice of partner is so much more important that you realise, and I am beyond blessed to have chosen as wisely as I did. Over the passed few years, I always knew that Darren loves me, but throughout this season, I’ve witnessed how he loves me – a small glimpse into the God kind of love.

Once your wedding dress goes into storage or is sold, and the details that you had fussed over for months becomes a distant memory, you’ve gained a bit of weight (lol!), and life begins to happen, you need to have more than a shallow emotional connection, or physical attraction – you need God, and so does he, because when you’re falling into something that you need help getting out of, you’ll need him to be strong enough to pull you out of that.

As strong and as incredible and supportive as Darren has been during this time, he isn’t the only thing that helped keep my head above the water. I realised that the reason I felt like I was drowning was because I wasn’t praying for myself. And not because I didn’t want to, I just couldn’t. To be honest, it was really difficult. I would start out and just want to cry because it was far too painful to face my emotions, so I would  pray for everything and everyone else and run away! lol.. and then one morning, I was brave enough to put on some worship music, and I actually heard the lyrics for the first time.

Even when my stregnth is lost, I’ll praise You

Even when I have no song, I’ll praise You

Even when it’s hard to find the words, louder then I’ll sing Your praise

Silly me, hadn’t I learnt this lesson before? Praise can break any chain, ease the pain and take the burden away – I had just forgotten because it’s a lesson that I’d learnt some time ago. When you can’t find the words to pray, praise will get you through it.

I pray that my own experience and vulnerability of this post helps someone going through a tough time, it’s going to be alright.

Thank you for coming by.





6 comment(s)

There’s a song my mom used to love so much, she practically forced me to sing it st church once. It’s very old school, but the words can’t date: “When everything falls apart, praise His name, when you have a broken heart, raise your hands and say, ‘Greater is He that is within me’, and you can praise the hurt away…”

Stay rooted in His word and love for you!

Also, you look fantastic.

This is so beautiful! It makes one reflect on your own life and personal struggles one deals with. Realizing one doesn’t have to deal with it on your own!!!

Thanks so much for this Arlene 🙂

This is indeed beautiful Arlene. For many reason but more specifically, it is beautiful because it is real and true and freedom to someone out there that is running out of masks to hide the very same pain. It is freedom to that wife that does not have a supportive, loving and prayerful husband as yours. It is beautiful because it clearly paints the truest picture of Christ, His love and unending grace towards us. Thank you so much 🙂

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