Letters from the middle man – My first fathers day

I never really understood what all the fuss was about – probably because my dad never really expected us to fuss about Fathers’ Day. But here I am … all grown up and now I have had that awesome title of father bestowed on me and so I went with the flow and allowed myself to experience Fathers’ Day for the first time.

Nothing could have prepared me for the whirlwind of emotion I would experience in one day and the “Unwritten Man Manual” teaches us that men shouldn’t show emotion or talk too much about our feelings, so the best way for me work through this was to record my feelings and then . . . write.

Throughout the day I kept feeling like a ‘Middle Man’… and so the best way for me to explain is by writing a few letters – From myself to some special people.

Dear Ezra,

My son… you have changed my life and my world. You arrived a short while ago – empty handed but with so much to offer. Every day I try to figure out how it is possible that you already have the ability to be a symbol of grace and hope simply by looking into my eyes. Your expressions tell me that you believe in me and that you don’t judge me. You trust me completely and love me unconditionally.

Most days I feel as if your eyes are telling me that “everything will be okay” and that “we’re gonna get through all of this”. You make me want to live my best life so that you can have a good example. You’ve re-ignited dreams that were dormant and you’ve helped me to start singing again – but now my heart sings. That’s so different than before.

I’d like for you to know that I am determined to be the father God has intended for me to be to you. I will never be perfect but I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I have what it takes to be what you need me to be. But I want you to know that my greatest goal is to make sure that every day I point you to your real FATHER – GOD. You are His son before you are mine, and all I am is because of who He is in my life, so the greatest words I could ever utter to you is: Follow me as I follow Christ.

I give you permission to hold me accountable for my relationship with God, and you have every right to question any of my actions. You and I will have loads of deep conversations but for now I want you to know that you are the reason I get to be a father. Thank you for the honour. You were the highlight of my FIRST FATHERS’ DAY!

Dear Arlene,

My Wife… you continue to amaze me. You are so selfless. I know how hard Father’s Day usually is for you since your dad has been gone, and I know that every few years (like this year) it gets even harder when it happens to be on your birthday. And then it gets worse when the special song item in church is Luther Vandross’ – Dance with my father, but throughout today I literally watched you die to self as you put me first and did everything in your power to make my first Father’s Day a memorable one.

Waking up to your smile and genuine love is the greatest gift ever and having you wipe my tears before bed gave me the assurance that I am loved and celebrated. I am God’s son – and when I realize what I have in you, I know that Our Heavenly Father is a GOOD FATHER who doesn’t hold back when he gives good gifts… He gave me you.

Dear Dad,

Ezra looks just like you. I cant wait for you to meet him. I rushed to the hospital to make the evening visiting hour because I couldn’t let Fathers Day end without wishing you a “Happy Fathers Day”… and then I got there I just couldn’t get those words out. I felt like I would be a hypocrite for calling it a happy day when it is was far from that for you.

To be honest, it was far from that for me too. Seeing you laying there in that hospital bed just breaks my heart.
After getting the courage together to go and see you, I envisioned a nice deep Father-Son conversation in the hospital room but even that was too much to ask because you didn’t have the strength to open your eyes, and so I just stood by your bedside holding your hand and continued uttering “I Love You”. Those words have such an amazing power to override all the other emotion I was feeling in that moment.

Before I said those words, I was just so angry… – Angry that you haven’t met my son yet; Angry that you’ve had to spend my birthday, your birthday, his birthday and now Fathers day in a hospital bed fighting for your life. I prayed for you – I prayed that you would continue to fight. I’ve watched you walk away from fights before in order to keep the peace, and I’ve even watched you avoid fights all together, but right now I really need you to just keep fighting. Please just keep fighting. We all still need you.

Heavenly Father…

You’re such a GOOD FATHER. Thank you for everything you’ve done and still do in my life. This Father’s Day was really bitter-sweet. I felt like such a middle man. In between happy and sad, in between faith and fear. I felt a bit overwhelmed by having to be a father and a son; a husband, a brother and a friend.

I felt as if so many people are looking to me for answers. It felt a bit much. But then I remembered, that I cannot do anything in my own strength but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I remembered that You are in control and You know the end from the beginning.

And so, I CHOOSE TO TRUST YOU. I choose to allow You to be MY FATHER who knows what’s best for me and everyone around me. I choose to let go and allow you to lead and teach me how to be a good father, son and husband.
Wow! What a HAPPY FATHERS DAY this has become.

Thank you for reading!


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